Collected by Hilmar Alquiros
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: Make me one with everything.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: Euripides? The professor replies: Yes. Eumenides?
A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: No, I’m travelling light.
A programmer’s wife tells him: Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: Five beers, please.
A student meets Einstein on a train: Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Sartre at a French café, says to the waitress: I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream. - I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?
The barman says: We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here. A tachyon enters a bar.
There are 10 types of people in this world: those that know binary, and those that don’t.
What does the B in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? “Benoit B Mandelbrot.”
A healthy nap not only makes you feel better, it also shortens the workday.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
A well-educated friend of mine with three advanced degrees can say “I’m unemployed” in six languages.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job.
Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
He works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
I don't work weekends, or any other day that ends in Y.
If work is so great, why do they have to pay you to do it?
Moaning about other people not working really makes the day fly by.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
My job is secure. No one else wants it.
Never make appointments on a Wednesday –that spoils both weekends...!
Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing that today is Tuesday.
The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
Granddad, what's the best thing about being 100? -- No peer pressure
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? -- Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
I cleaned the attic with the wife, now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.
I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
In arguments a woman has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Is this insecticide good for beetles. - No, it'll kill them!
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Make crime pay, become a lawyer.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
What is a blonde with two neurons? - Pregnant.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months? -- The box said 2-4 years!
You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Congress is the opposite of progress?
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.
Dry erase boards are remarkable.
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
Right now I'm having amnesia and déja vu at the same time! I think I've forgotten this before?
Slept like a log last night -Woke up in the fireplace.
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop? -- Shoe!
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
What kind of horses go out after dusk? -- Nightmares!
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? -- Anyone can roast beef.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
© by Hilmar Alquiros, The Philippines Impressum Data Protection Statement / Datenschutzerklärung